Hiding and Blaming
When one of my sons was very young and new to toilet training, like many of us in that trying season, he had an accident. At first, he claimed that it wasn’t him that did it. The evidence didn’t seem to back him up, but he swore he did not wet his pants. Not to call my son a liar, but if there really was another culprit, they did the best job of framing someone that I have ever seen—the perfect crime, you might say. And if my son was innocent, then the real criminal is still at large. He got away with it, and he’s probably out there somewhere right now hatching his next nefarious plot to soil someone’s jeans.
Shame makes us want to hide and blame. Since the garden of Eden, when people mess up, they have wanted the false relief that comes from hiding their sin where no one will find it or pointing their finger at someone else to transfer the guilt. The gift of freedom in Christ is a true relief, one without any need to shift responsibility or cover up what happened. It’s merciful, full liberation. While we were still guilty, our God took the full weight of our mistakes on himself without pretending as if they didn’t happen.
As for judgment, because you are united to Christ, you are free from the pressure of living your life according to the appraisal and expectations of anyone other than God. The only verdict that matters is his. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 4:3–4, “It is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. . . . It is the Lord who judges me.” You are free from the condemnation that comes from other people. You’re free from self-condemnation. The measure of your worth rests solely in God.
This book provides parents with a gospel-centered perspective to navigate the challenges of parenting. With this hope, they can embrace their role with peace and confidence, trusting that Jesus is renewing both them and their children day by day.
Being free from human judgments does not mean, however, that advice is irrelevant to you. Being free means you should be able to hear and receive godly wisdom from someone without falling prey to a sense of condemnation. God often uses the people around us to help us follow him. Much like our children, every parent needs wisdom and gentle correction. We all have lessons left to learn. In Christ, we are free enough to listen to the opinions of others without receiving input as an insult. Being truly free in Christ means that even if a stranger makes an unsolicited remark about your parenting, you can hear it without being offended. Anything that needs to be corrected in your family, you’ll be happy to receive. You can even be grateful for it. You are so free that anything you don’t need to take in can roll right off your back.
I genuinely want to experience that level of freedom from human judgments in my life. I imagine you do too, and yet parents like us seem devoted to a life of trying to be judges. It’s truly ludicrous that we choose to listen to human judgments over the Lord’s.
If you were on trial and got to choose between a judge who was famous for knowing everything there was to know, dealing out incredible mercy, and setting people free by paying their debts for them and a judge who was notorious for jumping to conclusions, humiliating defendants, and being unforgiving, whom would you pick? The gospel is the good news that you and your peers are relieved of judge duty because there is a better Judge—one who is more merciful and compassionate and wiser than you have imagined. Following Jesus means gaining freedom from unreliable and undesirable human judgment.
Confidence Before God
If a child of yours came to you with an unfair judgment about himself, how would you respond? If your son were wallowing in self-pity because of a mistake he made, would you heap more shame on him? If your daughter were beaming with pride because she thought she was smarter than another child, would you humiliate her to deflate her pride?
If you, even in your imperfect parenting, wouldn’t do those things to your child, then trust and believe that our perfect God would not humiliate or shame you. You know how to love your child when he is berating himself. How much more does our perfect heavenly Father know what you need when you fail? You know how to love and guide your child when her head is swollen with arrogance. How much better does our perfect Judge know how to forgive you and correct you when you are being self-righteous?
Following Jesus means gaining freedom from unreliable and undesirable human judgment.
The solution to our heart’s judgments is not a better performance or a favorable comparison. Emancipation does not come from minimizing our mistakes or inflating our good qualities. The good news is not that you will stand before our Judge, Jesus Christ, one day and be able to say, “I tried my best!” and that your best will be enough. It is not that you will stand before him and say, “Others were worse than me!” and their behavior will make you seem adequate. The question asked by the better Judge is never “Did you feel humiliated enough about your mistakes?” The question our Judge asks is “Do you trust me?”
If the answer to that question is yes, well then, brothers and sisters, the Bible tells us that we get to walk into the courtroom of our Judge with confidence. Can you even imagine that? Picture it—you walk confidently into the throne room of the almighty God. Most of us can’t even step in front of a mirror with confidence. How could that level of poise and courage in front of God be possible? Because of the love of Christ, our hearts are so free that we fear nothing in God’s presence. We quit trusting our own critical assumptions and turn instead to God’s declarations. From him we receive a reliable, desirable verdict and true freedom.
Our confidence as Christian parents is rooted not in our estimation of our own excellence but in the finished work of Christ. That same Jesus who loves you, sacrifices for you, and guides you now sits as your qualified Judge. Like it or not, he sits on the judgment seat. No one else.
And one day you will give him an account of your life, including your parenting. That sounds intimidating, but remember that you will be giving an account to the God who loves you better than you are able to love yourself. His love for you is a result not of the smallness of your sin or of the greatness of your good deeds. What a meager love we would merit if that were the case. But no, God always loves you better than you deserve. If we could find all that we needed within our own hearts, thoughts, deeds, and families, then Jesus and his gospel of rising from the dead in victory over sin and death would be completely unnecessary.
If that were true, the church might as well preach, “Just try your best!” If that were true, then instead of Jesus declaring, “I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matt. 28:20), he might as well have said, “Well, I’ll leave you to it. I’m sure you’ll be fine!”
No—you are declared righteous solely because of the work of the righteous Judge on your behalf. Your confidence comes from knowing who you are in Christ. Here is some of the best parenting news you’ll ever hear: You are not your judge. Someone better sits in that seat. You are of immeasurable value to the real Judge. The rightful Judge loved you enough to live, die, and rise again so that you could be free. The good news is that when you stand before Christ one day to give an account of your family, you will be able to say, “My worst was horrible, my best wasn’t good enough, but Jesus, I fully trust your love for me.”
The solution to our heart’s judgments starts with relinquishing our grip on the judgment seat. When you catch yourself judging, confess and forsake that judgment, and you will receive mercy from the true Judge. I promise you’ll see that there’s immense relief in getting to end your career as a judge. There is freedom available for you from the only capable and mighty Judge, who sees you the best and loves you the most. Only through a better Judge, Jesus, are the guilty justified and declared righteous. The one who is in Christ, though as much a sinner as anyone else, is free because of his grace.
This article is adapted from Good News for Parents: How God Can Restore Our Joy and Relieve Our Burdens by Adam Griffin.
